The Big Bitch

ASHLEY

From the minute I wake up until I go to bed at night, 

I have to do what they say or it turns into a fight. 

It’s not like I don’t want to help; they’re just so full of spite. 

Nothing’s good enough for them; I just can’t do it right!

Nag, nag, rag, rag, bitch, bitch, bitch!

The only peace I find is when I’m way out of their sight.

Her expectations are too low.  Her standards are too high. 

“You’re folding all the towels wrong!” It makes me want to cry. 

“Ashley, that’s My hairbrush,” says her snoopy little spy.

HARRY                                  ASHLEY

My, such picayune details!       Why should I even try?

Nag, nag, rag, rag, bitch, bitch, bitch bitch bitch ...

“Ashley, feed my megaPet! I don’t want him to die!”

HARRY

Okay.  Deep breath.  Let it all out.

ASHLEY

They’re slobs!  I pick up everything! Their keys and underwear! 

They make me draw their bubble baths, and then clean out the hair. 

They make me sweep the closet floors, and vacuum every stair. 

I steam the carpets, make the coffee, purify the air!

Nag, nag, nag, rag, rag, rag, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch! 

Bitch! Bitch! Bitch! Bitch! Bitch! Bitch! Bitch! Bitch! Bitch! 

HARRY                              ASHLEY

Doesn’t that ...                     Bitch!

HARRY                              ASHLEY

Doesn’t that ...                     Bitch!

HARRY                              ASHLEY

Doesn’t that ...                     Bitch...es?

HARRY

Doesn’t that feel good?

So what would happen if you weren’t there, Ashley?

ASHLEY

They’d be eating cold, dry cereal—no more filet mignons.

HARRY

They’d have to add new coping skills to their old lexicons. 

They must break their co-dependencies if they’re to carry on—

ASHLEY

And learn to clean a litterbox and water their own lawn.

HARRY

Can’t you see that bitch, bitch, bitch? 

Wearing stained and stinky cashmere sweaters when you’re gone?

HARRY 

Just think of it: someday— and soon—your tenure’s gonna end.

ASHLEY

Someday my ship—my scholarship—will sail around the bend.

HARRY                                           ASHLEY

One day you’ll escape this life.        So all the time I spend 

in solitude, my nose in books, makes that less pretend.

Rag rag, nag nag, bitch bitch helps.

HARRY

They say that suffering builds character…

ASHLEY

It’s good to have a friend.